Press Pause

Thursday thoughts.. What if this is it?

I spent so long thinking I had to do more, be more, achieve the next goal or hit the next milestone first - I don't know where this pressure came from, perhaps it was my own doing, but whatever I did was never enough. I wasn't enough.

I was a dreamer, I thought. My mind was constantly wondering, conjuring up a plan for the next move. No time to be indecisive. Spontaneity? More like impulsiveness. 'Fuck it.' I suppressed emotions, bottled them up and buried them down. Must. Keep. Powering. Through.. Keeping going, being busy shows strength and strength is success, right?

I missed out on so many happy times. I mean sure, I was there, going through the motions, I'm fine thanks, you?' But never fully in it, never present. 'There's more' , I was sure of it. I was running on empty, heading for breaking point..

I'm fine, we tell ourselves.

But then, Yoga. Space for reflection. Time to press pause. Woah. This was new. What if they're right, what if happiness isn't a destination after all. What if I don't really know what I want, because I've lost myself in the race. Who even am I, if not my roles and accomplishments?

The next achievement arrives, a graduation - finally, a picture for my parents' mantle-piece, I thought. Mneh, an anticlimax of course. I felt flat. What now? I needed more yoga.

I hear this unfamiliar voice, it was mine, but a kinder one, a more patient one. She tells me I'm enough, gives me permission to let go. I can breathe again. I look around, no I don't just look, I see. Abundance.

I'm done thinking, I feel now. The only thing I'm searching for, is within me, slowly unravelling. I can't do it alone, of course. Movement, mindfulness, meds.. I'm finding what works for me. I'm finding my way.

What if this is it though? This, right now. Well, wouldn't that be magical..